Finally. A year has gone by since I got my heart broken.
Actually if there is one thing I can comment on that is:
"They said you never forget the day when someone breaks/broke your heart...today was that day for me... a year ago. And if life has taught me something it's the fact that time doesn't heal, but time replaces memories."
So, I told myself the reason why I was so behind on my entries/reflections from 2013 was the fact that I didn't have the courage to talk or type what happened to me on that faithful day/night.
I thought everything was going right. I was very discourage and was very hurt to even talk about it.
I didn't have the courage to face what just happened to me last year, so I threw every motivation for the last 5-6 months and ruined everything around me.
I mean for someone who just got their very first heartbreak it is something you won't ever forget in your life..just because it was the first.
On that faithful day I didn't pretty much know or knew what was going on. I went to work and thought everything was OK. But from the tone of that person I was dating I knew something was up. I felt how cold that person was towards me. It was over. I thought it would just be a simple date or going out after not seeing that person you are actually dating for about a week or two.
But, truth be told I did knew something was up. All of us have gut instincts that some things are bound to happen or fall apart... it's just a matter of time until it happens.
Mine landed on Nov.9.2013.
I should have known. I was actually going to buy flowers to give to that person... glad I didn't. So I didn't make a more embarrassment of myself.
That was the day when the rope was cut because you knew that person had given up on you.. or had already given up on you days or months even before you knew it.
There was no definite answers to be honest and I don't look for one anyways.
Bottom line is there was no answer because there is no point of asking because that person just have so many answers to you that you didn't even bother asking why.
It was even't even a break up...it was cool off.
But then I should have known because a cool off is already equivalent to a break up....
(just the more cowardly way is the cool off...)
I think it very cowardly because you couldn't straight up just say it to that person's face, hence giving them false hope that it was just temporary.
I think in one night I heard everything from the book.
From:
"We are unhealthy for each other because we fight a lot."
"It's me not you."
"I need space."
"I want to find myself."
If you ask me what's the real answer, now I'd tell you it wasn't love... it was just... sighs.
Now, I feel stupid and foolish for crying and begging for a person to stay... because if that person really did stay you didn't have to beg for them to.
I get it. A no was no.
I drove home devastated, shocked, dismayed almost every single emotion where you couldn't believe what happened, but somehow you knew it was coming.
I felt light.
I felt a feeling that somebody has cut me loose and now somehow felt free...free probably because of the pain.
I remember when I got hurt by something so little such as "I didn't even like Drake."
Or, "Can we not talk about your problems or your health."
I was scared shitless because I thought the lump on my chest was actually cancer...I needed to be comforted but I didn't get that.
I guess, every man is on his own when it comes to life.
You can never assume someone cares because they tell you they do.
You always have to watch their actions, because people who do care will be there.
That hit me the most. I thought I knew somebody but I didn't.
I knew nothing.
I knew zero.
My eyes had to be opened by force.
I ended up hanging out with my two closest friends and got drunk until 4:30 in the morning.
And with 2 hours of sleep went to church on a Sunday with my grandma.
Everything about that after was a blur.
I promised myself that I will not talk about or say anything about it until I am ready.
It just took me a year before I can finally have that down and typed up.
I vowed myself to not talk about until I don't feel the same way I was feeling before.
Hurt.
From that experience and that lesson I learned a lot.
It's been a year now since I'm single and to be honest I enjoy soul searching.
I don't have to be with someone to complete me, I complete myself.
On the other hand, because of that person I don't give people second chances anymore.
I learned the lesson that when you give people way too many chances they take that for granted.
Nowadays, if you screw up in my eyes... I'm already turned off and I already lost interest.
I can't seem to find the trust in people. Telling your whole life and showing them the depths and darkness of your being as to what you've become... they take advantage of that and turn it into weakness.
They didn't really care as they said they do...
They didn't give a shit about your past, your present and your future.
So I stopped opening up to new people I meet... I get reminded that I'm not that interesting.
I get reminded each day by every sentence and every word I hear from that one person.
I can't help but compare.
Once I can't help but compare I always get drawn back to what you said on this faithful night.
I could have gotten mad, angry, called you out and say all the stuff to you... but I didn't
A lot of people say I'm too nice so people take advantage of me.
But I'm not like other people or I'm not like you.
I'm not a bad person.
Sighs.
Talking about this I felt like I opened up a scar in my heart and decided I want it to bleed again.
Never again would I fall for that.
I think some of us just have to learn our lessons the hard way.
If somebody ask me what if I see you again or bump into you or given the chance if we talked about what happened...
I have no words.
Luckily it's been 7 months now and we never see each other and that's good.
I mean that's for the best.
Forget I existed ever in your life.
I on the other hand prays for a brand new day tomorrow and I thank God for all his blessings that has come my way.
Call me bitter or whatever, but a heart is way too fragile to give to someone who wouldn't treat it right.
Ask me five or ten years from now.
I did forgive though, I just don't forget.
Because forgetting means that you never learned anything about what had happened to you.
