Wow. Last day of this year and after 2 years I'm finally able to close 2013.
2013 was the worst last three months of my life. It started out real good if I can be honest with so much expectations and dreams or just full of enthusiasm coming from 2012 only to come short starting September.
If only I knew I was going to get my heart broken I would have done things differently if I had seen it coming, but of course you don't see a lot of things eye to eye.
I thought there are things that are kind of a forever thing but they aren't.
I mean, the cracks will soon show no matter how much you try to patch it up.
There are just some things in life that are not meant to be part of the next year or the next year after that.
What I've experienced definitely made me a different person than I was 2-3 years ago.
I guess with downfall comes wisdom and lesson learned.
I honestly until now have no idea what just happened to me, but you know what they say at some point of our lives we have to hit the lowest of the low.
6 feet under kind of feeling.
I must admit I'm glad it's not me who did the dumping I just couldn't even if I had the chance to go back to that day and had done it... I wouldn't.
It's not me.
I thought I found someone who's going to cherish my heart and take care of it, but really it just may be the first person who breaks it just so in the future you can prepare yourself for the next or the next or who knows until you find the "one".
Or if there is such thing as the "one" meant for you.
Saw this post from one inspirational speaker I've been following ever since in my fb and it just hit me...
Commitment is such a strong word that weak people confuses to as saying you are in a relationship.
You are really in a relationship if you do practice commitment.
And I mean cut the whole B.S. I'm committed because I'm loyal to you or I care about you thing.
Commitment goes way more than that...
It's about the future.
If you don't see me in your future then that means the present is just a waste.
And the same goes for me.
I'm a human being who is not perfect and I'm not saying I am, but this is my opinion about this post.
Spent the last day with my favorite receptionist (Franklin) and at Kyoto and did some catching up.
Feels good having to talk to someone that feels the same way as you do.
Glad that I was able to open up to him 100%
This guy is one of the corkiest, friendly and fun to be with overall buddy.
He is currently studying to be a Registered Nurse in Toronto so I give him props for that.
This was taken after work and the last photo I took before 2013 comes to a close.
Since, I'm just about to end the year 2013 I think it's only right to recap the year in review and everything that had happened to one of the well I consider the last 3-4 months of it as one of the worst months of my life in a year.
January:
The first month of the year started out having this connection with someone special in my life and having or having to think I'm going to have a solid mindset coming to 2013. I mean c'mon I'm feeling blessed and I'm feeling inspired I've got someone who makes me smile everyday and I mean being in love doesn't happen all the time. I just have such a positive attitude that I can tackle anything in 2013. I continued to buy more hot wheels and invest in my growing collection of toy cars. Calling in sick wasn't part of my new years' resolution which I should have and I actually attempted to look for a second job because I was heavily inspired to just go at it this year. I also decided to partake in a mini weekend roadtrip to the mountains with three other people and the year had just started. Even had the amazing photo of sitting on a glass chair in the middle of Lake Louise. That is probably the highlight during that month. I also hit a point where I'm not going to the invites or make plans with friends anymore and just wait for them to hit me up. Partly because I want to save up money and also I'm tired of asking people to hang and ended up being disappointed. During the 10th day of the month I finally man up and handed in my resume to get a second job. Dad traded our SUV and bought a yellow used Dodge pick-up truck to save money. I also attended a birthday party of a friend and feels fun being reunited with the people I grew up with in high-school. Four days after handing in my resume I finally landed an interview so I went back and did studied for it. I always like the feeling of being well prepared in anything that I put my heart into. I also realized how much my sense of fashion is so different compared to everyone that some outfits I chose to wear I literally just want to shake my head and delete a few photos. LOL. On the downside this was the start of my overall health problems. I ended up having stress issues and ended up with massive neck pain whenever I get stressed out. I also posted my entire collection of G-shock watches and if I did calculate it... it would haven been over $800. Just unbelievable. I got to attend a close friend's baby shower as well. She was giving birth the next month and I can't believe that she's a mom to be. I also happen (which I don't remember now) that I had plans on 2012 and 2013 or goals that I compared and I realize the more I look forward to things the more I become motivated to better myself. Going back to my past entries I just noticed that I did had issues with my parents back then or a family issue that I don't know who to ruin to first. I think it says a lot if you are not open 100% to the one who supposed to be there for you because you look for other friends for help. During the last final days of January I ended up being an emcee for one of my friend's party. I can't believe I actually was an emcee for that night and I really like the party that is romantic because it's an anniversary. It's a must goal to have that kind of relationship that is for a lifetime for sure. I rant too much I also realized. I shouldn't have.
February:
Ah, the love month. Every year for the last 10 years I've been to Canada I've only been able to celebrate with an actual legit relationship with someone once ever. The neck problems/spams was finally diagnosed and got some medications to help with. I even got my ears flushed which was another health problem and we are just in the second month of the year. Started working on a second job that was just about 5-10 minutes drive from where I live. One direction became famous and my sister ended up being addicted to them. They even bought a lifesize paper/cardboard figure of them. LOL. I was also having those frequent moments of what ifs and is it right. I just followed my heart and forgot to bring my head with me moments. If I had to go back in time I probably shouldn't have stress the value of "promise" because even me I'm guilty for not being able to keep promises. I think that's one thing I want to ask for forgiveness was I should have just let it be and I should have just been contented and didn't ask for more or for proof. But hey there is not much you can do about it. I also realized looking back to this month I keep stressing about how sensitive I am and everyone just seems to take offense to it now that I look back at it I did tell people that I do get sensitive and it just one of my qualities that are definitely my good and my bad. My sensitivity to feelings. I also noticed reading entries from this month how much I'm touch of my weakness and how much emphasis I put on emotions. It's been two years now and I still agree of the things I sometimes talk about in my entries those are some of the things that hadn't change in me. I'm full of emotions. The biggest change that happened to me this month I decided to cut my hair short and have a hairstyle called the "bob". My Mom wasn't very supportive about it. I thought it was daring and I thought I'd look good, on the other side I think it was based on impulse mode due to going through an emotional phase during the start of Feb and ongoing. First February that I was actually dating someone. Reading my past entries I'm starting to get my answers from the questions I have no answers from. Sometimes it's not even the other person who will give you the answer it's your own self. The cracks where there already and it's only been about 8 months. How can you be so sure of something if the walls are not even that sturdy to stand and it's no wonder only time will tell that it will crumble when one gives up. I just realized. This was also the month I was addicted watching the cartoon "the boondocks." I also finally replace my old Lacoste working shoes with new ones after two years and I think soon again I may have to buy a new pair. Reading more of my entries and I realize my faults are coming to surface. I was demanding and I think I've also hurt enough to last a lifetime. This was also the month I've realize my inner game of throne fan mode. (claps).
March:
I should have known that I was hurting inside of me. The kind of hurt you can't really explain when you bruise your elbow, it's more like the hurt that weakens the spirit. I'm starting to question myself and the fact that when did I start becoming lost in my own. I start questioning everything and reading my old entries made me realize how much things can change. It seems like the end of our story was nearing and the more I read my old entries the more I seem to know what happened and the questions I have in my head are starting to unravel not by you, but by me. I feel like I'm solving the puzzle by myself. I guess this was another chaotic month because I was stressed out over personal issues. I can't even believe that in a million years I would not only try MJ once but do it again more than once. (such a bad feeling honestly, but when you're in your 20's everything just seems to be untouchable). I also came to grips that I am now chasing something that shouldn't be chase. Happiness should come from me and not something or someone because without it where would I lean to... I should have had a stronger hold of myself first before sharing it with someone. I can't believe that starting from March I'm already having thoughts of being a bad person. Sometimes it's not what you are that made you a bad person it's the situation that gives you two choices. One poorly and the other better, but sometimes you decided that the poor actions can lead to better results and thus as a product of our choices we became villains of our stories instead of heroes. I'm both. Also during this month the tickets for Bruno Mars just went on sale and I bought it to watch with two friends he was set to perform on July. During this month I also went and visit Kyla's baby (Alana) whom she gave birth a month ago. Such a weird feeling still being around kids especially infants. I just can't never seem to get use to them. In just a month I also finished watching season 1 of game of thrones. I started watching the second season as soon as I was given a DVD of GOT season 2 as a gift. I think the highlight of this month was seeing A$AP Rocky and Rihanna have a concert. Also closing the month by looking forward to going next month to Calgary during comic con to see Norman Reedus of walking dead (Daryl). I also started watching Vampire Diaries because it was suggested by a friend.
April:
During this month I start stressing out happiness and when did we actually lost grip on it and we did we come to terms that sometimes happiness is not as happy as we are back when we were kids or teens or now that we are as adults. Also continuing my plague of health issues during this year I also had to get checked because of blood in my stool. An event in which I wish to no longer remember. I also started going to the gym because I had Ate Len to go with and also continued to buy more car toys for my collection. I even build an easy one to do just so I can get the hang out of it. I also during this month attended to a mini family concert/ charity event called Jam for a Cause. I also ended up going on a random Sunday lunch to red deer with a few friends and ate at a Filipino restaurant just because we were feeling very random. I also started to reflect more of the things that changed during the year 2012 and how this year is so different from the year before and the things that I've left behind because of pursing other things. This are the moments in life were lessons are being learned and the teacher is life. I also can't believe that I actually wanted a lower bed frame for two years already... (surprise I already bought myself one...two years later). I also started to get addicted with Vampire diaries and I was watching it too much. Marathons are fun if you have nothing to do. I also got to drive an Audi TT even just for 15 minutes or so. It was definitely fun. A friend lend it to me and it was red. If you look back on my past entries I actually post a photo of that fun experience. This month was also Jane's birthday. One of the highlights of this month was Tyga liking my post on instagram when I posted that I bought his album (Hotel California). I was thrilled to be honest. Simple stuff like this had already made me happy. It's quite hilarious. Another highlight is going to the Edmonton Car show for the the 2nd or 3rd time I think. I have always been in a fan of cars and it's such a fun experience every time getting to see new cars during the year being exhibited. Instead of letting things that are out of my control be I realized I tried to take matters into my own hands when I shouldn't and this has been one of my worst problem that I've noticed during this month. I act upon impulse because my emotions are heightened. When you try to wish the person you had met to be someone more or someone else then there the problem lies. We can only accept people for who they are we shouldn't change them. Change comes from them not from us and by changing them it only means that we didn't see them the way they are during the first time we laid eyes on them. We should have just been contented. Life after all is short and you don't know who will be there today or tomorrow. I also went to visit one of my godson and my Dad as part of my to do with my Honda Civic back then did painted my calipers and my brake drum red. I honestly thought it was one of the coolest things during that month. To end the month the other highlight of the month is the mini day trip to Clagary to see Norman Reedus in comic con. I had a blast driving there and it was definitely worth waiting for despite of the long line lineup along with three other friends. What a way to end the month by seeing another celebrity.
May.
May is car season I'll tell you that. I wished to learn and drive a manual transmission car and two years later I worked on it and traded in my automatic civic for my dream car. Funny how some things have a way of happening with just patience. I bought a set of replica rims last year that only lasted for one season and because of the tremendous amount of potholes in the city I cracked two of my rims. Over the course of two-three years I also managed to familiarize myself with different brands and names of cars..minus the year they were made. I also started watching breaking bad as I was curious as to what it is about when someone asked me to watch it. The first weekend of summer was Ate Jeremmie's birthday and we ended up going to Sylvan Lake and celebrated her birthday there. A big group and it was definitely fun. Mother's day was also during this month and I just have so much appreciation for both my mom and my grandma for all the sacrifices they have done for us. After a month of sending my present from my childhood best friend in the Philippines she finally received it. She sent me the photos of how she modeled it and I'm grateful that she did liked my presents. The anticipation of Kanye West's new album as well was bringing damage to my system. I was just very excited that Yeezus was coming out. I also decided to debadge the civic's emblem at the back and I've realized I hit double digit to someone that was special in my life during that time. I was also anticipating J.Cole's born sinner as it was about to come out shortly after Kanye West's album. My sister (Ara) also graduated from high-school. I also attended her grad banquet and I was shocked how much my sister has grown into a fine young lady she is. I even remembered my grand banquet in which I hated the dress my mom picked for me. Oh well, the past is past. Mom's birthday was also in the end of May and yup another year added to her age. I also bought the Fast and Furious 6's soundtrack album because every song was amazing in that movie.
June.
June is wow. I can't believe that it's been a year since my life actually went 360 degrees. It was the month that I can never forget, but it was the year before that... the month where my life changed. Hangover 3 came out and I watched that movie with one of my good friends (Ken). I think June ended up as a preparation month because this was the first time in my life in 10 years I've been in Canada that I was actually in a long term relationship. As you hit one year I think that would be called a long term relationship if I'm not mistaken. I've been looking and obsessing of a Subaru WRX STI since June. 5.2013. Life may not work the way I wanted it before but I found one and now I am paying every single blood, sweat and tears for it. I think that should have been enough motivation instead of my downfalls in the coming months that will follow. For some odd reason I was also randomly chosen by CLPNA to be validated and thus my anxiety level went up the roof again because to me that is equivalent to studying even though I have been out of school for awhile. This was also the year when plastidipping cars become an "in" thing. I decided to plasti dip my front grill. In addition to my ever growing health problems on the 7th month of the year I ended up with tendinitis on my left foot. It's a condition that I thought I would never have. It was painful and very excruciating. I almost thought I'm going to be limping forever. It all started with a pinch and the next day I couldn't walk. I also decided and told my dad that I wanted my room in the basement painted red. So we did it. Well, he did but I wanted it. So it was done. I just had this thing that I wanted my room the color red which I thought will be my room forever anyways. Funny how I was doing countdowns for an anniversary. I guess I'm still a hopeless romantic after all. I also in one of my entries during this month talk about the whole "test of faith". To be honest, I really don't believe in signs. I think I only started believing it because life became interesting. But to be honest I stopped looking for signs now. It doesn't happen when you want it to happen. You could be screaming like "Lord, give me a sign that this person still got lots of love for me..." You'll pretty much end up with a blank silence. LOL. Just when you needed it the most, it doesn't occur. This month I also got an iphone 5. I almost forgot what being simple means and being humble. Sometimes when we climbed the top we forget who we were before that. I forgot me. In a different timeline though I knew who I am still and I knew I shouldn't be like what I see in others that makes me disgusted about them. I should have turned the other cheek. To make it more official I also bought a Honda lanyard. oh the simple things in life that makes me really happy. I also started listening to Nikko Dator only because his verse on fall for your type had me going crazy. It's pretty good for a Drake cover I think. We also celebrated father's day and I do adore the two most closest men in my life... My Grandpa and my Dad. I can't remember when, but we watched the vow (Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams) movie and I seriously love that movie. A lot of good lines/quotes in it too. My most awaited surprise this month. Drake decided to unveil his "would you like a tour" concert and it was set for December of 2014 and I had just about 99.9% close to feeling ecstatic. I was. It was probably what I wanted to see my whole life for the second time. To add to my fast and furious addiction... I also bought the fast five soundtrack during this month. I also prepared on a very special occasion in my life during this month. The first time I actually decided to go on great lengths to figure out how can a bracelet be the right size for a wrist. It was something that I prayed that would be really really something that would fit right, almost equivalent to a ring. Almost. Funny how I'm the one stressing out the point of fighting together instead of fighting against each other, but the bottomline is how can you fight for each other if both of you are not even in the same page. On the other hand, I decided to add more things for my civic and I decided because of my addiction with the color red to add lug nuts and change my rims with the good help of a close friend. Drake's tickets went on sale and at the same time I celebrated one year with a person who was special to me. Sometimes looking back at the love letters I wrote I can't help but foreshadow things that happen after that. It's weird. Funny how God can just snap his fingers and make everything have another 180 turn. On the lighter side. Kanye West's album came out and J.Cole's album came out too. My sister also turned 18 and one of my wishes was to get HIDs for my civic and because of a bet from a friend it did happened as well. June ended pretty weakly too... My grandpa was rushed back in the hospital and I had no idea that the next month would be the last month I got to see my grandpa alive.
July.
July is for fireworks. July is summer. July is for spotting exotic/imports/muscle cars or any particular cars that I find appealing. My grandpa had been confined in the hospital since the end of June and that's when things got harder. I also remembered walking my dog to my little sanctuary down at 34st and just the feeling of being alone is such a relief and at the same time it wasn't. I was also enjoying listening to my vinyl recorder that was a present to me. My grandpa passed away on the 2nd week of July and it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I think when someone is about to die you had this feeling all alone that there is something wrong and I knew that night that there was something wrong and it I was right. I remember my grandpa's advice and I miss him dearly. Even thought he is not with us anymore I just wished that there are times he is. I still needed guidance from him and I think at 22 it wasn't enough to be stronger or braver in life. It was just the beginning. He is like a safety blanket for me. A person I can run to when I'm feeling scared about the world because it may eat me alive. This world can eat you alive in a split second if you let it. I sometimes wish he'd come in my dream every night and guide me and tell me to stop being a whiny baby and quit crying over the past. Quit being mopey or being sad. Forget the people who you invested your time to and didn't invest theirs when you needed them the most. I should have listened to him more, because I feel like I didn't spend much time with him when I was supposed to when he was still alive. Instead I chased the high because I thought that will bring something forever but it didn't. During the worst times of my life I've never felt so alone. I thought I had someone who's there but this was one of the times when I needed someone the most and I couldn't find that person. Magna Carta Holy Grail by Jay-z came out the same week I was mourning. Grandpa's passing also became a reunion. The first time I saw my cousins for a long time (my Aunt's kids). Everybody was grown up. My grandpa is with his brother now in heaven looking down on us and making sure that we are going to be in the right path. I even managed to write a eulogy for him which can be read in one of my past entries. During this month I also learned how to change oil thanks to Ken. The first time I did something for my car which I know is under warranty, but still. I went YOLO on it. Bruno Mars came to Edmonton during this month as well and we watched his concert with two friends. As always the traditional taste of Edmonton is always a given to go to. This month we also celebrated Emilio's birthday. I was reunited by the people I knew from the southside and there was a feeling of feel good moment there. To end July I think I became more serious in life when I shouldn't have. I let some things get the best of me because I was such in a shaky position that I don't even know how to keep my emotions in check. Overall, I was mourning my grandpa's death and at the same time I was walking in thin ice. I let people get the best of me when I know I should have been more understanding of myself and I shouldn't have been defensive. Oh well, that's the past.
August.
The year 2013 is just few months from ending. The summer is about to end as well. I also handed my CCPV validation for CLPNA, but I won't be able to find out the result next month. I also started dreaming of having a lower bed and a lower bed frame (if any of it makes sense). I went to Sylvan Lake again, but this time with my family. I also experienced the term "cool off" in a relationship. I fvckin have no idea what it means, but I think clearly it should been... pause I'm a bit over you, but I'll think about it just in case I change my mind. Such a shitty feeling to be in. I remember driving all the way to Miquelon lake and just have an alone time. I even brought a high-school friend with me during the next time I went to Miquelon lake and just kind of spill every single thing in my head. Sometimes it's such a great feeling when someone who you don't know or doesn't know you that much is just able to listen to you. It lightens up your load even for just a few hours. One highlight of August was animethon. I also accepted a date to I decided to wear a summer dress in exchange for the HID lights dare. I don't know did I pull it off? I also accidentally pricked my finger with a used lancet at work. SMH,such a nuisance getting blood taken more than 10x in one day. Control by Big Sean especially Kendrick Lamar's verse have all of us going nuts. (I'm guilty). My Grandpa had also passed and it's been 40 days already since. I can't believe it went by that quick. Another highlight was I almost lost my life in a car accident driving to Oregon with my family. Luckily, we came out alive. It was also the second time I went to Seattle. I really have 9 lives to be honest. One of the things I brought back from my trip was I bought someone a pair of shoes, but ended never giving it because of the superstition of (whoever buys a pair of shoes for someone special, that person will walk away from you if you give it.) I didn't even give it... LOL. Still though that person walked away from me, the irony of life. To end summer of 2013 I actually went on a road trip with a huge group. I climbed a mountain which is a first time in my life. I also conquered and went boating during that time. But, you know what I really really dislike... being in awkward situations. I must tell you how much I hate being put in an awkward situation, but this is the first time I've been in one. Rewind back to the first time I got "cooled off"... it's weird how someone just cooled you off and you have to decided if you are coming to the same party you got invited where the same person who cooled you off is there... mind you I hate and I cannot stress this is enough... I dislike being in awkward situations because I don't do well and I don't have a poker face. Looking back, I can't believe how I was able to show up there and still gave my time... hmm.. Oh well, at least it won't happen again anymore. So I thought... Woops, before I forgot this month was also the first time I tried paintballing, funny things is I like getting hurt. LOL.
September.
we are 3 months away before ending 2013 and I know I'm getting close to hitting the worse or the last two months before I end this chapter. I'll start off with... My family and I went to Ma-me-o-beach. Ken and I finally got HID lights on from the civic. The bruises from experiencing paintballing appeared finally. John Legend's album came out and yes... even before "all of me" was famous I already heard it. I decided to DIY with my car too and the plastidip game was hard.. LOL. I decided to plastidip my wheel covers. Pretty good for a first timer. This was also the first time I ate Korean bbq DIY with a good friend (Lara). If you asked me how I feel looking back during this month... I should have told you that there was a big change that God had planned. I may have known it yet that time, but time was the biggest factor. And, in due time it happened. The foundation was weak. The things that glue it together doesn't stick as how strong as a glue gun does it jobs. It is like Elmer's glue. And even though I knew there was something that was about to happen... I got sidetracked by other things that I thought would make sense. I was excited for Drake's concert and I was excited to finish the months and finish the year and turn 23. I thought I was in a secured position. I wasn't. One thing you'll learn in life, if you ever think you're secured with people... DO NOT THINK THAT WAY. The only person who you should feel secured about is you. I also attended Bridal shower Gala in the upcoming preparation of one of my good high-school friend's wedding. My parents also celebrated their 24th year of marriage. A tough act to follow. The next two months that will follow I've never studied for thus when it hit me, it hit me rock solid and stomped me to the ground. This is where failure took place. Drake's third album "Nothing was the same" came out during this month. I literally was in heaven listening to every song of his. I'm always going to be a Drake fan until my last breath. I also visited one of my childhood friend since I was 8 years old who is successfully working and living part time in Calgary. Here comes the last three months before 2013 ends...
October.
October's very own as I always say time and time again. Although I'm not born in the month of October this signals the sign of the cold season and also a homage to my favorite rap artist. I thought I'd be able to read "Fifty shades of grey" after a friend lent it to me. Nope. I was wrong. My memories of October had started to become dull. Preparing for a wedding is really hectic. The first time we even tried bridesmaids dresses was such a pain in the ass, especially for me who barely wears dresses. What a crazy experience but in a good way I learned a lot. I found a photo of a tattoo with a typewriter font on it. I can honestly say when I want something done, eventually I don't plan on changing my mind and I wanted it done. Two years later I now have a typewriter font tattoo on my left upper arm with another line from a drizzy song. And since I miss hanging out with my two titas it's only right for me to mention that whenever I spent time with Ate Len and Ate Jackie its probably one of the most funniest nights of my life. We also cracked each other up. I also bought Beyonce's (I am Sasha Fierce) CD. Had a bit of a moment quite a few times. Actually, looking back to this month, I really didn't have anything to say other than I was going through a family problem and I had no idea that this year would also be the last year I get to be with my grandma and live with her.
November.
I will always be November's very own. The countdown to 23 started. It must have been tough going back during this month especially when your birth month was also one of the most heartbreaking months you ever have to witness in your life. As I said in the previous months I have been hit by health problems, but you know what the worst health problem is? It's when your heart is the one that's hurting. One of the things I can remember was this would have been the last two-three months I got to spend with my dog (Gabby) before my parents decided that they were going to send her to the shelter. It was heartbreaking. This was also the last month I got to live with my grandma after deciding that it's for her best interest to part ways instead of creating more conflict in the house. Lastly, I got my heart broken by someone whom I thought would never do it to me. Consider it the worst of the worst. I have never felt so alone more than ever. I have reached rock bottom. I bought Beyonce's album "4" and I should have known listening to it would probably made more impact during the next month or so. The last week with my grandma is probably the worst week ever. And then the worth thing happened. November 10.2013. I don't think I'll ever forget it. I just can't believe of all the harsh things to say to me you'll do it in about 3-4 things that you have said that I will never ever forget. I will forgive but I'll never forget it. You know the moment someone just degrades you by hitting you by one-two punch combo and hitting you with a low blow just to finish it off that's how I felt. I'm not even getting into the details about it, but I'll tell you it was one of the harshest thing someone could have said to you. A few months ago (August) I typed that I don't like being in awkward moments. I had to suffer a second one. I had to attend an event where I have to face the person who just two weeks ago broke my heart. It's funny how people have such an amazing poker face like everything is alright. I guess, they are just so good at acting/pretending, but I haven't seen someone did it so well other than you. Wow, every time I think about it I just get this feeling that I'm going to shake my head every time I remember that occasion. I really didn't want to go and see you but for the sake of being invited months ago and just having the outmost respect I showed up with one of my good friends (Ate Len). What the hell was I thinking. I even complimented you by the end of the night and said: "you look beautiful." I'm really speechless of myself. I should have known rejection should have stop on the day I got cooled off twice. There is just so much you can take until you don't want to anymore. I remember drinking Alcohol until 4 in the morning with two of my friends (Ate Jackie and Ate Len). I think it's ironic because we were drinking as if something had just died.. well, my heart did. So, I guess in a way it's a celebration but more like a funeral of something that's dead. I mean how can you revive a heart. It's just a muscle, but damn that is one strong motherfucking muscle. Regardless of what was the weapon of choice to kill it. I'm not mad really. I can't get mad. I mean I was going to say a lot of things, but angry/mad wasn't exactly how I feel until now every time I go back to the memories of my past. I didn't look forward to turning 23. I was depressed. I don't want my grandma to leave me. I have never felt dependent in my life and as a joke that God brought a lot of people left me. I didn't even know how to stand on my two feet. I felt like an infant. I forgot how to. For some reason, looking back I just wanted to be honest and say that until now I'm still learning to be independent on my own. I don't really depend on anyone, but myself and about two-three friends. I dreaded the days as soon as the countdown started. I spent the last day of being 22 with one of my closest friend ever since I was 14 (Ate Len). She took me to the gun range and we just had a blast. It was like a solemn moment that I'm not 22 anymore and I've just survived and I'm still alive and now I'm another year older. Compare to my last birthdays this one was just spent by myself. A friend who shared my first day being 23 (Ken) and accompanied me to the mall. I finished that day by getting a cake from Emilio and Cash. I was more than thankful and at the same content. To end November we celebrated our very first Christmas party with a big group of my college friends and the people who knew me since I was 19. You know what let me talk about that night. I was enjoying myself trying to not think about a lot of things in my head and then I got a message from that person who told me "if we can talk." Anele told me to reply later because it will just affect my mood... by the end of the night at 3 am you texted me twice, yet you didn't really give me a chance to reply as I've composed myself. The miss opportunity you had done was the most confusing thing ever. I hate to say it, but why would someone in their right mind give you less than 10 hours to reply without even thinking what you'd like to say. Not, for a second put yourself in my shoes... would you like if I did the same thing? I was really disappointed that it happened. I was more of in awe how I was given less than 10 hours without even considering the fact that I was busy trying to present a normal self for the last two days before December ended. After I replied... I got no reply...
December.
November ended and I was shocked I survived the most grueling month of my life. I couldn't even believed that I looked forward to seeing Drake in concert (before when I was with that person I thought this was going to be my birthday present), I watched it with a good friend instead. I even forgot to thank her on how much she stood up and bear with me during the times when I wasn't ok. I had of course a great time. He was my favorite artist and I really don't care what the others have to say. It was a good start of December before I say goodbye to 2013. I went to Candy cane lane with (Ken). And as much as I dislike going to that area where I know brings back so much memories I had to. I mean how do you face something you don't want to face... you just ended up facing your fears anyways. I spent December alone in my grandparents' room almost every day isolating myself. I go to work then I go home and then I repeat what I can do in order to not overthink. Over thinking can kill the soul. I had moments I moped and I remember there are times when (Nina) would come and just hang in my room as she was going through some difficult times too. Christmas was around the corner and I Eminem came out with a new album which of course I had bought. A few days later J.Cole's concert tour came out which will happen next month (got a bit excited to see the new year.) Drake and Driving with Ken whenever we hung out had become a fun and enlightening experience talking about almost every single topic that came to my mind, but probably the past is one of the topics we never get tired talking about and how much things had changed (good and bad). I also got to finally snowboard on Dec. 21. I was almost at the impression where I'm proud of myself for not getting pulled and drowned by sadness. Sadness and loneliness and depression altogether are some of the things you have to fight off in order to be O.K. and function and I think I managed that for someone who just got their heartbroken a month ago. I thought about that day and I told myself to composed myself and just think of it as normal number and so I don't freak myself out. I had no idea that after I went to bed that night... two people will turn it a little bit 90 degrees of what was just happening. To keep it short, we won't even have the balls to talk to each other after seven weeks if it weren't for two people. I honestly figured when I was asked by Ate Len if I wanted my closure and I said I'll just let it fade away. The bad thing about letting it fade away... it haunts. It comes and goes. It's an unfinished business that I have no strength anymore to face. I just like I said, I've bee rejected by you twice already I think the third time is just me being foolish and stabbing myself in the heart. So, up to this day I have left whatever it is between us unfinished. Do I plan to do something about it? Maybe, if mind games weren't being played all throughout the year and after that and if I see sincerity. I guess I'll let this haunt me for the next 10...20...30 years of my life.. I don't know. I am just scared of a lot of things I can't explain. I do look at social media sometimes until it had turned me numb. I really have no feelings sometimes. I feel like I've got anesthesia every time I read or hear something related to you. And, I wan to apologized if I am slow, but seriously people don't read minds and I for one don't. One of my friends told me the worse game someone can play with you is "mind game." I have no words anymore. I have no idea to be honest what had happened after. I thought we're ok. I thought we're starting from scratch... I knew I should have asked what the real deal is instead of acting blind and deaf about it... just so that at least I knew if I still have a shot at love again with you or not. Just so that now I'm much better instead of being bothered by my thoughts of you until now. If I could I think I would rewinding back the time, but of course I can't. So, now I just let it haunt me and eat away my thoughts. Finishing off 2013 more confused than ever...
PS.
I'm finally done 2013. I'm a little bit late and I'm still a year down but I promise myself that if this will make me feel better then I'm going to continue reflecting about everything in my life. What a tough year it was. There are moments when I have to tell myself that I'm not a quitter just yet, there are other times where I felt triumphant. There are times where it felt like my life is like a dead end. There are times where I enjoyed being alone and there are times I'd sacrificed everything just to not feel alone. There are moments when I want to fall in love again, but there are moments that I keep telling myself that heartbreaks happen to teach you a lot of things in life. Life is the best teacher you can ever have. Life doesn't come with a guidebook but it does come with a surprise quiz. It will test you to your limits and you will fail. You will fail because success is equivalent to pain and failing. You will lose people on the way. Some of them will walk out of your life for unknown reasons and some will leave you to teach you that you need to be alone to open up another layer of you so you can be the best person you should be. You will learn to depend on yourself and yourself only. That not every friend is a friend and not every lover is here to love every side of you including your darkest ones. You will hear the sentence "love yourself first." You will hear "find yourself first." Regardless it will come to you when the right time comes. Not everyone come wanting to stay will stay and not everyone come wanting to leave wanted to leave. Question every person that comes into your life and don't settle. Question them because they can either break, shake, tear or make you in the future. Enjoy the ride and never forget right the wrongs and learn from it.
On to the next year... shall we?
